Awakening Part 1

 

Older people always tell us we young people live life in a hurry. We are too anxious, too needy for experience. Older people go on and on about how different it was whey they were our age; things were simpler, easier, kids played as kids, they didn´t grow up as fast as we did.

I´m one of the older people now, I don´t have that urge anymore. I took my sweet ass time growing up. I cherished my childhood, my youth and my innocence and hold on to those for as long as I could.

This is not a store about my innocent years, this is the story about the abandonment of that life, that me, the awakening of the woman inside.

I was 20 years old, lived so far a pretty sheltered life. No drugs, no abuse, no sex, no thinking or telling anybody about sex, that was a sin, an oscure thought far far away. I felt my hear aching for experiences and a broader vision of the world. I decided to go abroad and study one semester in Spain.

I arrived one rainy, blurry day, full of expectations and 3 suitcases. I share the room with 2 other girls and everything seemed so exciting in my shiny new routine. Then I met him and it all went to hell. I looked at him with my scare little eyes, I remembered feeling like a white little sheep with a big, black wolf, he would definetely eat me for breakfast. He had a green intense stare and he was lean and tall and quiet, so quiet. I was like a puppy around him, so eager, now come to think about it I probably would have ignore myself too. I found myself craving his touch, his hand on my hand, his eyes on myself, his presence in the room, almost like I wasn´t complete without him acknowledging my presence. We were soooo different, I was catholic, he was atheist, I wanted to get married and have kids, he wanted no family fairytale. But I loved the way his brain worked, his sense of humor, his every word. I was infatuated. He seemed to liked me, maybe he even pitied me, who knows, I was so naive. I formed a pretty nice group of friends and we used to stayed awake all night talking about God, religion, politics, war and we exhausted every important subject with great delight.

One lonely night we decided to play spin the bottle, sounds so childish now, I am even blushing, he kissed me, a simple 2 seconds kiss, no tongue. I felt my insides craving so much more, got me really scared. God, my heart was beating so hard, I was almost sure he could hear me. I decided it was too much for me, I announced to the group I was going to bed, I was going to put on my pj´s, wash the redness off my face and be done with it.

I fought this feelings so much, he was an inminent danger to me. He was.

He followed me to my bedroom, we were alone. He said, I want to see you take off your clothes, I started, I was teasing him, I didn´t really want to do that, did I? I saw hunger in his eyes, it was desire, I liked it. I was doomed.

Inmigrante/Immigrant

Malinche*,

you traded us up,

you turned your back at us.

Traidora (traitor),

you forgot your roots,

you´re embarrassed of us.

Inmigrante,

you will never fit in,

we are inside you,

we, with our colours,

our sufferings,

our misfortunes.

We are inside of you,

there is no running

from us.

Falsa (fake),

the grass is not greener

on the other side.

It´s just a different kind of

grass.

You´ll miss us,

the sun on your forehead,

the taste of the sea in your lips,

the sand rubbing your skin,

the passion of our language.

Have you forgotten?

How good it feels to be with

your own?

To not be lost in translation.

Inmigrante, traidora, Malinche!

You´ll suffer!

*La Malinche was a Nahua woman that fell in love with Hernan Cortes and play a key role as an interpreter in the American Conquest. She is known as a traitor in every Mexican history book ever written.    

Loose & Gain

You loose, you loose a pencil, your keys, a button,
you loose your thoughts, your mind,
you loose an argument, a war.

You loose all the time,
you loose minutes, hours and days,
you loose youth,
you loose sight of what is important.

You loose,
yourself in people´s expectations,
your identity and nation,
a love one;
with age, with sickness,
with hatred
and fear.

The feeling of loosing,
the sinking feeling,
the hopeless feeling
of loosing and been
therefore lost,
in your own body,
in another place,
in another time.

You loose,
you have lost already.
The day will come
when you loose your
most precious possession.

You will loose and others
will loose you.
It will be a sad day.

You gain,
gain wisdom, friends,
opportunities, experiences.
You gain,
weight, beauty, wrinkles,
the ability to embrace it all.

You gain,
recognition, reassurance,
fame, wealth, health.

You become
resilient, a fighter,
a soldier,
an oak tree,
a marble statue.

You gain
certainty that there is nowhere and no one else,
you rather be,
you have to be,
you want to be.

You accumulate,
an ocean of thoughts,
and untapped dreams.

You gain power,
to manipulate,
mold,
hurt,
heel,
encourage or discourage,
create or destroy.

Use it wisely.