A Muscle

The heart is a muscle,
it shrinks, it gets bigger,
it beats faster and faster
then it stops,
it might skip a beat.

A muscle that sometimes
gets rusty,
that forgets,
forgets how to love,
how to forgive,
how to embrace.

A muscle that sometimes
gets reminders
and feels pain.

Older hearts, jaded hearts,
almost never get surprised,
but then it happens,
it is frightening,
marvelous,
almost like the very
first
time.

Of the choices I have made

Of the choices I have made and the paths I have taken I have some regrets. I wish I have save myself some heartaches and kept some words to myself. When I looked back I see the friendships I have kept, the people that are no longer in my life, the people that have left me for good to cross over to the other side. I am not the same I was 5 years ago, and will continue to change and hopefully evolve in my pursuit of happiness and meaning of life.

The choices I made have come with new adjectives to add to my name. I used to think the one thing I was before anything else was a woman. Being a woman defined me as a person, there wasn't anything more power until there I got a new title; mother. After feeling a life inside of me and giving birth to this wonderful human being with a mind of her own I can honestly say this has been the beginning of the rest of my life. This is where the seas have split in half, I was and now I am something completely different.

I have found within me all this hidden unused love that never ends for my daughter. I am tired like never before, exhausted and completely changed. For good, I would say, I have changed for good and forever, added a bunch of different layers to my personality.  Of all the choices I have ever made, this one I will never regret, I am so much more, so complete, with purpose.

A Certainty in Life

 

Pain is sticky and heavy to swallow,
It is a vicious leech that has set camp in your soul.
Pain is transparent at its purest form.
No one can see it and that is why it can be
easily mistaken for content,
but for the trained eye it is found in the corners of
your mouth.
Pain is silent, the hiss of a snake, a whisper in the wind.
Pain is desperate, it seeks company,
it is a greedy little devil.
Pain is there to stay; it is our companion,
it is bearable and an effective fuel for art.
Pain is the daily bread, occasionally our only food,
but mostly just a small presence.
Pain is a monster that gets bigger with neglect,
and it shrinks with love.
Live out of pure pain is torture but the right mixture
of pain and happiness creates a sweet, sweet agony that
can create a deadly addiction.
It is an unwelcome counterbalance,
a reminder of our mortality,
a friend,
a source of inspiration
a never-ending battle,
one of the few certainties
we have in life.

Late at night

Late at night,
with no make up on,
no fashionable clothes,
you can´t hide from yourself,
your deepest thoughts,
your neverending concerns.

Late at night,
darkness covers every detail,
you are lost in a sea of intensity,
you are true to your desires,
you are only wishes and dreams.

Late at night
no one can hear you cry,
they are all sleeping.
The demons inside you are revealed,
the nightmares are all real.

But it is also late at night
where I find my inspiration,
my unique voice,
my quietest moment to reflect.
It is late at night when I conquer
my fears and write poems
about the hypnotizing moon.

Color coding

 

I want to color code my feeling 
to know what to wear when
I am feeling lonely,
festive, desperate
or blue.
Organize them so I don't mix
my blue skies, my bright yellows,
my soft pinks and my teary purples.
I want the right color that bring up
the sadness and the suffering,
the longing and the wanting,
the perfect accesory to match my
emotions.

I want to make it easier
for the people that might not know me and decorate the range of joys and pains inside of me.

The men I loved

 

I loved you because you were the first one to spark that  fire in me. You made me feel like a woman and you made me realize that I wanted more than just platonic love and holding hands. I loved your fierce eyes, your intense look and your chilled attitude. I loved that you held me when I felt doubt and assured me that I was good enough. I loved you because I was so young and my heart muscles were expanding and you were there. I loved you when you held me so close and I skipped a beat and I wanted you so bad.

 

I loved you because you inspired me with your art. I loved you because we had the most amazing 3 hour conversations about life, books and nothing in particular at the same time. I loved you because you made me a muse, you made me see things with a beautiful lense. I loved you because you were the first man to pursue me and because you made me a bohemian at heart. I loved you because you were kind, generous and full of life.

 

I loved you because you motivated me to be more and to do more. For some reason I felt that I wasn't as smart or as knowledgeable as you and that worried me so I read and studied for you. I loved you because you made me see foreign films, you laughed at my jokes and gave me the gift of poetry. I loved you because you were like me, you had your issues and you valued my input. I loved your lips and your attitude on life.

 

I loved you because you had a dark sense of humour just like me, you made me feel like I mattered, like I was smart, clever, sarcastic and witty. I loved you because you made me laugh and you wanted, for a while, that I could be the answer to all your questions. I loved you because you handled me with care, like I was made of glass and I appreciate the thought. I loved you because you seemed like a sensible man, who can cook and be in touch with his feelings. I loved you because you were a good friend.

 

I stopped loving you because you chose somebody else, because you yelled at me and hurt me deeply. I don't think any other man has talked to me the way that you did and I won't allow it ever again. I don't love you anymore because your idea of happiness doesn't involve a family and because you have no respect for society's institutions. Now that I think about it I couldn´t love someone like you because that care free attitude translates into not caring at all and you are selfish at heart.

 

I stopped loving you because you disappointed me on a daily basis. You made me feel lonely while been with you. You are older but not wiser and you made me feel expendable. I will always regret our relationship because I lost a good friend for a crappy boyfriend.

 

I stopped loving you because you were too afraid to love me, I guess if we stick to the facts; you chose differently and when you came back to me I had already moved one. I will always cherish our converstions but the tables have turned and I do think you are not good enough for me, I think over the years you have lost the very special things that I feel in love with and you are just too normal for me now.

 

I think I will always love you in a way. I will always be there for you as a friend, although you continue to disappoint me and you may not deserve this. I am not sure if this comes from a disfunctional place or simple out of pity but I do care for you and wish you well. I stopped dreaming of you because you gave up on me and couldn't see beyond the pain I was going through and I don't appreciate your judgement.

The men I loved were a lesson for my heart, sometimes harsh, sometimes bitter sweet. Some of these relatioships involved regret but I learned from all of them. I learned about me and my expectations and I learn about them. They all served the most important purpose which was to teach me how to find the man I can´t stop loving.
 

 

Come back to me

Come back to me,
remember,
what it was and what it could be.
Come back to me
in the shape of a lizard,
a ray of sun,
the last word of an argument.
Come back to me,
relinquish your need for attention,
your urge for perfection.
Come back to me
in bits and pieces,
all at once,
once a year,
every day,
I will take you,
always.